Floundering…flop, flop

Have you ever felt like you’re in a large room of people and things and you’re spinning around with no direction in mind…no one specific person to talk to…no idea what to do? Feel like a fish out of water and your flopping around wondering how to get back to the comfort and safety of the glistening life saving water?   That is what I have been feeling of late.  For a year and a half almost my focus was on my son and all that he needed to get well. Now he is well. Shortly after my last post in July, my old employer faked the business closing so he could lay me off with little guilt on his part. Needless to say the business is still open and he fessed up to the truth of it all to my husband and said he will always need him at the company and kept him. While I miss the stability of the job and spending the days with my husband I do not miss the stress of working for that man.  Since then, I have felt as I have described above. No direction. On a whim, I applied for a job with the post office as rural route carrier. Sent in my resume, passed the online assessments, went in for an in person assessment test and then was called in for an in person interview. When we interviewed, we were then told it was only guaranteed 1 day a week to cover the day off of the career carrier we were subbing for, which was Saturday or Monday. We were not considered career so we weren’t given benefits of any type.  We were also only allowed to work for them because if they called to have us come in other than that specified day off, we had to set them as a priority.  Everyone said this was a great opportunity, a foot in the door. So I said yes.  I went through all the training and started late October fully.  That’s when it went south but as much as I could go on, I wont. Needless to say, it isn’t anything i was told it would be. I don’t see or spend time with my family now because its every weekend and I come home exhausted and practically fall asleep on the couch at 7:30. I haven’t been to an SCA event since early October and unless I find other employment, won’t be at one for a couple months.  I have been searching the post office web site for different jobs to apply for but none are available that I want…or they are two hours away in the city.

I was watching Julie&Julia last night and realized that I felt a lot like Julie in the movie. So many things that I have wanted to do in my life, with my life and just…haven’t. I have a degree in Art and can’t find a thing to do with it for employment. I feel like I chose poorly when I decided on what to pursue for a degree.  I want to desperately work professionally as an embroideress but there are no jobs locally that I have found so far. I see these fabulous works that women make but those jobs seem to be over seas in England or Italy where the fashion trade originates from or where embroidery is still needed for museums and royalty. The Royal School of Needlework in England is a dream to visit..hell I would love to have attended there. Nothing here in po-dunk Port Ewen.  I did come to the decision last night that I was going to attempt to revive my joy of cooking that I once had by digging out my copy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking and trying my hand at a few recipes. I will not be killing myself and doing the whole book in a year as she did..I don’t have the budget for that, but a recipe once a week or every other week wouldn’t be bad.

I guess I’m in a rut. A deep one at that. I want to do it all but have no gumption to get up and start. Admittedly it’s been like this for a while. Everyone tells me I’m so strong but quite honestly I feel anything but strong. I feel weak and sad. Also scatterbrained and without focus or direction. What i want right now in life is to have a good job that pays fairly descent, that lets me have weekends with friends and family to do fun things and isn’t real stressful and doesnt cause my arthritis to flare up daily. Is that so much to ask? I have skills in so many areas and feel like they never quite seem to fit any one thing out there.  Dear powers that be….HELP!

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What a Long Strange Year It’s Been…

I am a jumble of emotions today. I am so happy for Kyle as it’s his last day of radiation and so sad I cant be there so see him ring the bell of completion. Tonight, i get to hold him in my arms again and have him home and in a couple more weeks…permanently. I have also never been more grateful for the speed at which a year can fly by. Also, I will never take another day for granted. I am making a list of things to do when he is completely done with all this: Travel, day trips, new experiences, etc. I will enjoy every second I have on this earth with my family from now on as much as I can. I’m sorry it took this type of situation to be such a wake up call, but I have heard it and will make the most of the rest of my days here.
I am also so thankful for the people in my life. My friends, my family and even the strangers that have heard of what we’ve been going through and have offered prayers or sent written support. There are so many to list that have been supportive, kind, generous and loving.
Thank you Doug for being a great father and taking such wonderful care of him. Thank you Kerry, Sherri, Jessica, Elizabeth, Cherie, Christin, TammyLynn, Beckey, Susan, Susan, Sue, Sarah, Maria, Maria(and so many more I haven’t listed) for being there when I was a sobbing mess and needed to be held up or bitch-slapped virtually (guess who that was) and told to stay positive and that he would beat this.
Thank you Mary for talking to me that day and giving me that hope I needed to grasp onto. That assurance I needed to hear. That has kept me grounded this whole time.
Thank you Leo for being so understanding in all this and the loving son and little brother. You always have a hug for me when I was sad and always had a way to make me smile. Thank you for being so encouraging to your brother and helping him when he needed it.
Thank you Sandra for coming up and helping with hospital stays and phone calls. Thank you Roger and Colleen for all you have done too. I love you all.
Thank you to my Ryan for being my best friend and loving husband and always holding me when i collapsed and broke down through all this, all the while reassuring me he would be fine and he was strong and would get through this. Giving me strength when I needed it so desperately. Making me laugh and smile when i felt like i couldn’t. I love you dearly!
Most of all, Thank you Kyle. You have been so strong through all this and so brave. Somehow you always seemed to have a smile even when you felt like utter crap. I will make this all up to you, all that you missed this past year, I promise. Thank you for being so strong and wonderful..even you told me “i’m fine..Ill be fine!” when i was sad and scared.
It’s not all done yet but we only have a few weeks till it’s all done. Thank you God, thank you so much.

Faith in humanity, restored!

In a world where everyone keeps their heads down and minds their own business, the kindness of strangers still leaves me in awe and can make me cry with such happiness and gratitude, it makes me feel better and have hope for this world we live in.

We were out of milk and a few other things. Made a stop to Shoprite to pick things up for home (OMG how could I have spent that much for so few groceries!?!) and as i was loading my sacks of groceries into the trunk, another car pulled up two spaces away. I walked around front of the car with my empty cart and offered it to the two ladies saying it rolled well. “Rolls well, huh? Sure we’ll take it!” they said laughing.  The one woman then complimented me on my hair coloring and asked where I’d gotten it done and what was the inspiration for it?  I told her about Kyle and what he was going through and how he’d chosen a blue wig to wear and that if he wanted me to do the same I’d shave my head and wear a wig too, but he declined it and said he just wanted me to dye my hair and thus is the reason for my colorful do.

The two ladies looked at me with their hands over their mouths. One of them comes to me and gives me a hug and says “We never come to Shoprite. We usually shop other places but decided to come here today and now we know why. We were meant to come here and meet you. We will say prayers for your son and put him on our prayer chain.”  I was so moved by the kindness of these women, I called my husband and told him on the way home about what happened and it made me cry. (as it is again as I am typing this)  Thank you ladies for restoring my faith in humanity. Bless you both!