Another page…

Wednesday I turned in my letter of resignation to the post office with the intent of my final day being Monday.  Unfortunately, the postal truck must have had a grudge against me and decided to give me an injury to my elbow today and the doc’s at the urgent care said it needs rest for at least a week and a brace to help. Tendinitis and elbow strain from the sliding truck door lock sticking. It’s disappointing to me because I don’t like not fulfilling my commitments but at the same time, I’m not entirely unhappy because I get to relax tomorrow and Sunday instead of be there before 7am and come home at 6pm, exhausted and stressed.  Had I held a career position that was full time with benefits, I would have fought through it all to stay.   I liked every person I worked with in the post office and have not one negative word to say about them. They were all very supportive, friendly and helpful. The postmaster stated I was well liked and would happily take me back if i were to apply again for a position with them.

My new employer is The UPS Store. The hours will be just about full time. Its an inside job not working in the weather. Benefits after a few months and never any hours on Sunday. I will work an occasional Saturday (one a month, maybe two) but the owner and manager both know about my SCA hobby and know I have teenage boys and they understand I need weekends on occasion. Most of my hours will be during the week.  This makes me happy. Ryan too.  This weekend I will get some gentle arting done.  Art that will minimize the arm lifting/bending.  Must remember to turn off my early bird weekend alarm….or delete it completely.

Just another page in my book of life…the rest is still unwritten. (yes, I quoted a song..no groaning.) 😉

 

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Floundering…flop, flop

Have you ever felt like you’re in a large room of people and things and you’re spinning around with no direction in mind…no one specific person to talk to…no idea what to do? Feel like a fish out of water and your flopping around wondering how to get back to the comfort and safety of the glistening life saving water?   That is what I have been feeling of late.  For a year and a half almost my focus was on my son and all that he needed to get well. Now he is well. Shortly after my last post in July, my old employer faked the business closing so he could lay me off with little guilt on his part. Needless to say the business is still open and he fessed up to the truth of it all to my husband and said he will always need him at the company and kept him. While I miss the stability of the job and spending the days with my husband I do not miss the stress of working for that man.  Since then, I have felt as I have described above. No direction. On a whim, I applied for a job with the post office as rural route carrier. Sent in my resume, passed the online assessments, went in for an in person assessment test and then was called in for an in person interview. When we interviewed, we were then told it was only guaranteed 1 day a week to cover the day off of the career carrier we were subbing for, which was Saturday or Monday. We were not considered career so we weren’t given benefits of any type.  We were also only allowed to work for them because if they called to have us come in other than that specified day off, we had to set them as a priority.  Everyone said this was a great opportunity, a foot in the door. So I said yes.  I went through all the training and started late October fully.  That’s when it went south but as much as I could go on, I wont. Needless to say, it isn’t anything i was told it would be. I don’t see or spend time with my family now because its every weekend and I come home exhausted and practically fall asleep on the couch at 7:30. I haven’t been to an SCA event since early October and unless I find other employment, won’t be at one for a couple months.  I have been searching the post office web site for different jobs to apply for but none are available that I want…or they are two hours away in the city.

I was watching Julie&Julia last night and realized that I felt a lot like Julie in the movie. So many things that I have wanted to do in my life, with my life and just…haven’t. I have a degree in Art and can’t find a thing to do with it for employment. I feel like I chose poorly when I decided on what to pursue for a degree.  I want to desperately work professionally as an embroideress but there are no jobs locally that I have found so far. I see these fabulous works that women make but those jobs seem to be over seas in England or Italy where the fashion trade originates from or where embroidery is still needed for museums and royalty. The Royal School of Needlework in England is a dream to visit..hell I would love to have attended there. Nothing here in po-dunk Port Ewen.  I did come to the decision last night that I was going to attempt to revive my joy of cooking that I once had by digging out my copy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking and trying my hand at a few recipes. I will not be killing myself and doing the whole book in a year as she did..I don’t have the budget for that, but a recipe once a week or every other week wouldn’t be bad.

I guess I’m in a rut. A deep one at that. I want to do it all but have no gumption to get up and start. Admittedly it’s been like this for a while. Everyone tells me I’m so strong but quite honestly I feel anything but strong. I feel weak and sad. Also scatterbrained and without focus or direction. What i want right now in life is to have a good job that pays fairly descent, that lets me have weekends with friends and family to do fun things and isn’t real stressful and doesnt cause my arthritis to flare up daily. Is that so much to ask? I have skills in so many areas and feel like they never quite seem to fit any one thing out there.  Dear powers that be….HELP!

Wishes…

So, I have this wish board. I read about it a while back, about putting out to the universe what you want and need and if your intentions are good, things would happen. I figured, what the hell and decided to make one up. It’s comprised of pictures of things that I want in my life…things I wish for.  Over the years the items have changed when surprisingly they come to fruition. A few of the pictures I had taken down in a fashion of giving up on it. Oddly, they came about shortly after. Believe it or not a picture of Nathan Fillian was on the board and when I took it down, a couple months later I met him at NYC Comic Con.  That was pretty cool.

I have been down a bit lately, still in my hermit phase after all the treatments and such (Yay, he’s cancer free!!) so I decided to do a little updating to my board.  My biggest thing I really want is a job change. My therapist says I am in a toxic environment at my place of business and that the owner is verbally abusive.  He isn’t there very often but when he does, if business is slow, he can be unpleasant to say the least. He never speaks badly when the other staff is around but if it is just he and I in the room, there are insults, snide and derogatory remarks and threats of job loss. I have looked for other positions but at the same time, the couple places I interviewed at aren’t willing to be obliging of the dr visits I still have to take my son to for his post treatment check ups.  So the couple places I interviewed at have not called back or sent notification that they position was given to another interviewee.  It’s causing major stress and disagreements within the family and with my spouse especially. Its hard to not take the owners remarks to heart and to let them roll off of me. I have never been able to do that. i was not built that way.  I’m weary and tired. My dream is to have a job where my crafts bring in an income to compare to where i work.  Or to have some type of work from home position that will do that as well.  I wouldn’t mind being a stay at home Mom again either or have the position to work from home.

The things on my wish board are obvious and don’t need explaining, but it’s a look into what I want in life. Goals. Dreams. Wishes.   Hell, my dream to visit Italy is coming true in October thanks to a wonderful sister in law. (love you Gia!) I am still in shock over that one..delightful shock.

Well, scouts time.

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New Project….TUG BOAT!

So, a year ago I put myself on a list to paint a tug boat for my town’s tug boat trail.  Seems as if every town has some icon that represents them. When I lived in Allentown, I recall horses or mules. I believe Kingston has Peacocks.  In our case, a tug boat as we have several ports….plus..Port Ewen is the name of my town.  Last week I got a call from the township asking if I still wanted to paint one and I of course said yes. I pick it up today.  Here is a Facebook link for the Tug Boat Trail:

www.facebook.com/pg/tugboattrail/about/?ref=page_internal 

They request that you paint it in acrylic paints and they will clear coat it. They will be posted around the town and then towards the fall, they are auctioned off.  I am going to go to Joann’s and get a supply of fresh acrylic paints (lucky me I was just texted a 20% off entire order digital coupon) and brushes to do the job.  My dilemma is what do I want to paint it like?  I have had a suggestion of a Childhood Cancer theme as a tribute to my personal experiences with it. I have also had the idea of making it look similar to a viking ship, but am trying to figure out how to make that work. Since the viking ship landed here earlier this year, I thought that would be a nice tribute and idea. Ryan is going to help me brainstorm. Since his drawing skills surpass mine, he will draw/sketch and I will paint.  When I pick it up this afternoon, I will post a picture of the blank canvas.

I am very excited about this. Its been years since I have painted anything other than a couple of ceramics at a local class. I will be happy when I settle on a design and set to it.

 

Edit: Here is the blank canvas…so to speak.

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What a Long Strange Year It’s Been…

I am a jumble of emotions today. I am so happy for Kyle as it’s his last day of radiation and so sad I cant be there so see him ring the bell of completion. Tonight, i get to hold him in my arms again and have him home and in a couple more weeks…permanently. I have also never been more grateful for the speed at which a year can fly by. Also, I will never take another day for granted. I am making a list of things to do when he is completely done with all this: Travel, day trips, new experiences, etc. I will enjoy every second I have on this earth with my family from now on as much as I can. I’m sorry it took this type of situation to be such a wake up call, but I have heard it and will make the most of the rest of my days here.
I am also so thankful for the people in my life. My friends, my family and even the strangers that have heard of what we’ve been going through and have offered prayers or sent written support. There are so many to list that have been supportive, kind, generous and loving.
Thank you Doug for being a great father and taking such wonderful care of him. Thank you Kerry, Sherri, Jessica, Elizabeth, Cherie, Christin, TammyLynn, Beckey, Susan, Susan, Sue, Sarah, Maria, Maria(and so many more I haven’t listed) for being there when I was a sobbing mess and needed to be held up or bitch-slapped virtually (guess who that was) and told to stay positive and that he would beat this.
Thank you Mary for talking to me that day and giving me that hope I needed to grasp onto. That assurance I needed to hear. That has kept me grounded this whole time.
Thank you Leo for being so understanding in all this and the loving son and little brother. You always have a hug for me when I was sad and always had a way to make me smile. Thank you for being so encouraging to your brother and helping him when he needed it.
Thank you Sandra for coming up and helping with hospital stays and phone calls. Thank you Roger and Colleen for all you have done too. I love you all.
Thank you to my Ryan for being my best friend and loving husband and always holding me when i collapsed and broke down through all this, all the while reassuring me he would be fine and he was strong and would get through this. Giving me strength when I needed it so desperately. Making me laugh and smile when i felt like i couldn’t. I love you dearly!
Most of all, Thank you Kyle. You have been so strong through all this and so brave. Somehow you always seemed to have a smile even when you felt like utter crap. I will make this all up to you, all that you missed this past year, I promise. Thank you for being so strong and wonderful..even you told me “i’m fine..Ill be fine!” when i was sad and scared.
It’s not all done yet but we only have a few weeks till it’s all done. Thank you God, thank you so much.

Just Shoot Me

Days like this just are so draining. It’s never just one bad thing that happens, it turns into a number of bad things.  They always feel like the pile up on my shoulders and by the end of the day im mentally drained, physically exhausted and most certainly at some point ive cried, which adds to said exhaustion.

Did the taxes this morning. Waited for weeks for some 1095B form to come so I could finish the taxes only to find out, you don’t actually need it for the tax return. Then, apparently the rate obamacare gave us for our health insurance per month wasn’t enough and we owed money back for that. That decreased our return. Getting married halved what we’re getting back from last year. And apparently buying a house didn’t do a pinch of shit in the return. So this year getting back about 5K less than last year.

That was the first thing and set the tone.

Then I printed the insurance cards for my new dental insurance and went to chose the dentist (who i had an appointment with on Tuesday for my tooth that is abscessed, and they said they take my dental insurance) only to find out they don’t take the plan type i have.  So i had to cancel my appointment and now had to find a dentist that is A- accepting new patients and B- had an appointment available for a new patient with a semi urgent problem.

At this point the headache starts.

Then there is the boss that goes on vacation and seriously micromanages when he is gone. And more of the covering his ass for the lies he tells (“oh but you should never lie cause it bites you in the ass later”). “Get that bank check for the furniture refund for that woman. I told her i mailed it already, LOL! Oh and you should priority mail it to her”.  So now its off to two banks for the, as he calls it, creative moving of money from one bank to another to cover his personal bills and his company bills. Cash from one bank deposited into his own bank (probably for fun money in florida).  He waits till he leaves to do any of this so he doesn’t have to do any of this. “Make sure the check to clear the cargo container coming in from china is FEDEX’d to the company in California to clear it.”  The fedex pick up, which we scheduled yesterday to come no later than 430 didnt come till 530.  We close at 5. Guess who stayed late for that?!?!

Go to post office to get an priority envelope (cause, oh yea he threw them out cause he never uses them) and ask for some tape to attach the label. “we don’t give out tape. You have to buy it. Didnt the boss give you money for when he is away?”  I just gave her this are you fucking kidding me look. Stormed out in a huff..ran back to the office (cause said boss doesnt leave money for us to run his business while he is gallivanting on the beach in florida cause he needs the money for said gallivanting) to tape the fucking label onto the envelope and went back to the stingy tape hoarding post office and slammed the envelope on the counter in front of her and walked out without a word. Cause if I’d said a word to her…it probably would have resulted in Ryan need to get bail money for me.

At this point I still havent eaten lunch because all the crap going on in the office, I didnt get lunch and really didnt have the money or inclination to spend the minimum 20 bucks for delivery w/o a fee on take out. The pawn shop guy went to one place and didnt ask if I wanted anything. See if buy him fucking coffee again any time soon.  So yes, Im hangry on top of all this.

At 445 while i was at the post office (yes i know these are all over and not in chronological order to how the day went) the boss calls and ryan answers and the boss wants me to run a credit card for 3k of a client that gave the ok. Mind you, he can log in from his laptop and do it himself but again….gallivanting on beach. I ended up doing this from home because there were internet issues at work towards the end of the day.

When i got home and i was walking the dog around the yard (after i cleaned up a greeting card he found somewhere and chewed up) i moved a piece of split firewood (stuff not stacked yet) and got a half inch splinter in my palm.  Took Rollo back in, got tweezers and pulled it out and then got work gloves and went outside and stacked all the unstacked wood. Burned off some of the anger inside me but not enough.

One good thing: my favorite customer and also now friend, came in to put more cash on her furniture that she has on layaway and she brought me Easter chocolate. I love this woman. That was about the only sustenance that I got today along with the coffee I had gotten at 745 am. (oh and yea that cash i was made to deposit into his personal account. i asked to keep some for while he is gone for any expenses but he said no).

Tomorrow i have a job interview. I check on one today I went to two weeks ago and they have not made a decision yet. I am actively looking for work so i don’t have to have this stress anymore. I am trying to do something about it, not just staying here and complaining.

#teamdoingit

(WARNING-CORNBALL POST INCOMING): I woke at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Tossed and turned some, then, picked up my phone and started going through facebook. I saw Stacey‘s post from last night wearing her tiara and that stunning triumphant smile she has, and even though she was exhausted, she did the thing. My brain started listing off the friends that do it every day despite shit days, sore bodies, hideous weather and screaming kids: Stacey, Meredith, Craig, Christin, Jennifer, Elizabeth, Fergus, Adam, Hugh…and many others. These people inspire me…you my friends. So, I said to myself… “Get up and do the thing even though its 4:30 in the morning. What the hell else are you going to do this second…and the only magic that will make you healthier and slimmer is willpower”. So I said, fuck it, got up, put on sneakers (yes still in my nightgown) and got on the treadmill for half an hour. This is the ugly picture..rats nest hair, sweaty, no bra and very thirsty (forgot the water bottle on counter), but, I did the thing. I know it wasnt for an hour, I know I havent done it every day but I did it today. I have to take it a day at a time. Like going through this past year..one day at a time because looking too far ahead was crushing and made me want to just go to crawl into a hole and pull a rock over the top. Each day I make an effort to eat a little better, move a little more. I didnt gain it all in a day, I’m sure as hell not going to lose it all in a day.
 
Well, anyway, I did the thing. #teamdoingit #healthybody20170131_050147