I will be the first to admit that I do not have the most optimistic outlook or attitude sometimes. Hell, a lot of times. The last several years in my life have had many ups and downs and it seemed a lot of times, more the downward slope. It tends to make me always see things in a dark light and not in a positive manner. I am truly working on it but it is hard. Today, is not one of the hard days thankfully. I woke this morning here at the hospital and decided that Au bon pain-in-my-ass is not what I wanted for breakfast. Everything in that shop smells the same and the smell is starting to disgust me. I went to the basement cafe to get some breakfast and when I walked in, the atmosphere just lifted my spirits. The speaker system was playing some Latin music that you just couldn’t help but dance to. I didn’t understand a word of it (even after 5 years of Spanish lessons in school) but you just didn’t need to. The staff were chattering away and some lightly singing the lyrics to the song. Some of the staff I have gotten to know by first name basis in the last few months and the one sweet lady named Carmen greeted me. Her big smile and good morning brought a grin to my face as she chatted about how late she was there last night and early she was this morning, all the while dancing to the music playing over head. She asked about Kyle and then commented on my blue hair (yeah..dyed it to match Kyle’s in the back and sides at the bottom) and how it looked “totally fab”. She really set my mood this morning making the day seem bright and positive. Kyle is doing well. His counts are coming up and he’s put about 8 pounds back on that he’d lost. His mood was that of my ol’ Kyle who was always giggly and smiley and fun. We laughed entirely too hard over a video of someone showing some Thomas HO Gauge trains and the eyes on one of the trains were going the opposite ways of what they should be and he just couldn’t stop laughing, which made me laugh even harder and brought me such joy.
Joy…a luxury I haven’t had a chance to experience in some time.
I have to say I was very worried about coming this weekend. Stress has taken its toll and I was worried I wouldn’t be a good Mom to Kyle. The hospital stays are hard on me too emotionally. Its so incredibly difficult to see your child suffering and know you cant do anything more than hold his hand or talk kind soothing words to him while he gets through all this horrific shit that he has to endure to get better. It is extremely hard to not cry in front of your child so they see you as strong and they take your strength and put it into themselves so they too can be just as strong and confident in their ability to get through tough situations. I am not this strong all the time, or even most of the time. I don’t see myself as a strong person in this. I feel weak actually. I’m told otherwise, but it doesn’t matter what anyone tells me, its how I feel. I feel like i should be strong like the other mothers who never seem to cry over this. Who are just determined to get through it and go on to the next step to recover. As i said at the top, optimism isn’t one of my strong traits. Lots of times being beat down emotionally over the years causes me to spiral. One small bad tiny seed will spiral me down until that seed has bloomed into a forest of negativity and weighty depression. And crying, lots of it. But, today, there wasn’t any of that. A good friend came to visit and brought me Pennsic booty that she and another friend picked up for me in their shopping travels. The company was just lovely too as she regaled me with her adventures in our little medieval Brigadoon. (sorely miss going..next year, for sure!)
Now, as I finish typing this entry up, the skies are darkening and the stars are beginning to dot the sky. Kyle has settled in for the night and I hear my knitting calling. I’ve spent time virtually with my youngest playing some Warcraft and I’ve chatted it up with my hubby…who i miss so much right now. Today, I had no pessimistic thoughts. Well, I cant say that exactly. One tried to get the better of me and take away the happiness I was feeling and i shoved it down swearing at it and grasped the hand of Joy in my head (You know..blue hair, gold glow..all bubbly) and continued on my task. Today I call it a win. I beat back the blackness that so often takes control of my brain in all this that I am dealing with.
One day at a time. That is the best I can do. Today was a good day and tomorrow I’ll shoot for the same thing.
I call that a win.